Week 8 - Part II
Friday, March 22, 2019
It has been a wild week. My wife and I have been emotionally distant, but pulled together to complete a big real estate deal. We are both very pleased with ourselves. This house may become my first home living as Kathleen.
The emotional distance with my wife is crushing. I am expected to roll with the punches and be docile and passive while she berates me, humiliates me, and generally disrespects me. She is working through a lot of anger with this information. It has only been 8 weeks tomorrow since I came out to her.
I said something horrible to her last month... around week 4. We were basically in the same spot emotionally where she was angry and I was highly dysphoric, which, to me, really just means that I am depressed and sad. Unwilling to find a spark of life to live.
Anyway, I said, in the heat of the moment, when she brought up her usual argument of "You've known for 47 years that you were this way, and I have only known for …" (insert number from 3 to 30) " … days! Let me catch up to where you are. You have left us all behind!" As I stand there, physically present, but she is right, mentally, I have been shown a door. And, mentally, I have already walked through it. My body is still present and I still talk to our little girls and I am still Dad, but my mind is constantly working out the "what is next?" question. -- But, back to four weeks ago, she asked that question AGAIN... so, knowing that part of this is grief-driven, I asked her the question I wish I could take back, "Well how much time do you need? How much time did it take to get over your father's death?" (My God! It sounds so much worse when I type it out... but it was EXACTLY that BAD. I am a heartless bitch not worthy of this angel I married. I truly wanted to die on the spot. It all would have been over. Carol could tell the girls that Daddy was so mean that he died, and not have to explain my transgendered status to pre-pubescent girls who have zero frame of reference.
It was an awful thing to say and I fully regret it. But I cannot take it back, right?
I can paint a better picture of just how horrible a thing that was to say, my wife had been the one child to live with her parents while her father was dying of cancer. She was there for every stage of it. It affected her in ways I can never fully understand as I have never been that close to a cancer patient. I hope to never be. I am the worst excuse for a human being you could possibly encounter. I can't even point to HRT medications throwing my brain off, because this was before I started taking them, or maybe a day or two into taking them... well before they could impact my brain.
After we succeeded in getting the deal under contract, she looked at me, after a high-five and said, "I don't know how long it will take for me to get over my fathers death." And then she said something else that I don't recall, because the dagger in my heart was squarely placed in the part consumed with my guilt.
I was at a low last night, so I cruised Craigslist for "CD" to try to bring some feeling back. I found a few ads from men looking for CDs. They all sound seedy, and I would never engage in unprotected, fluid-bonding sex with anyone who does not have a recent STD test to show me. But sometimes, I just want to be adored. My sexuality is quite fluid, but I find that guys into tgirls are easier to entice than women into tgirls. Penises are so predictable. :-)
But one ad just rubbed me the wrong way. Here is what it said
I was beside myself. I was angry. I detest when guys just jump straight to the bonus round in the dating game, but this just seemed like an ad looking for a hooker. So I replied....
I am probably almost what you are trying to ask for. But I am older @ 47.
However, your ad really stinks. O-M-G! It is so completely misogynistic! The only girls that will answer that will be ones that need money. And if they do, you better "triple bag" your little man.
If you'd like to chat more about how to approach a …. Let's define some terms, shall we?
Whore: Someone who accepts money in return for sexual favors. (Your ad reads like you are looking for this, and maybe you are) I don't know where to find them outside of Las Vegas
Crossdresser: Anybody who wears clothes from the opposite gender.
Transwoman / transgirl: A biological male whose brain works like a woman's brain or girl's brain. It appears to likely be a biophysical anomalous structure in the brain. (data from post-mortem autopsies of known transwomen)
Transition: The process of a trans person coming to live full time as the opposite gender. Often includes surgery, but does not have to.
GRS: A specific surgery that affirms the mental gender of the individual with the body. Makes the body match the mental gender.
Shemale: slang term, from porn, to describe a transwoman at the end stages of a full transition, always before GRS. Most tgirls find this term offensive.
This is how you fish for a tgirl: treat her like something other than a piece of meat. Maybe treat her like a LADY (not just a woman). Do something, no, do EVERYTHING, classically romantic. There is so much misinformation on the internet and the image keeps getting propagated through porn and, at age of 27, your hormones are in full force, so what the fuck do you care?
But trust me here, boy, do that and you will find the ride of your life sexually. You might have to put a few weeks of effort into it, but considering that most of us have put YEARS of effort into it, you are still playing the classic Entitled Man Role, where you just show up to where the woman has put in all the effort to make this work for you, and you take it for granted that it was just like that. You'll shoot your load and feel... i don't know... now this is the Million Dollar question.... what would you feel after that? Would you wonder if she enjoyed herself too? Or just fall asleep? Or would you become so overwhelmed with guilt and shame at what you had just done, so disgusted with yourself that you beat the living shit out of her?
Sorry to come down on you for your ad. This is much softer than my original response from yesterday that I did not send. I hope that you find what you really want. I also hope you don't prey upon my sisters and take advantage of their desperation for attention. We have the highest suicide rate of ANY subculture on the planet, in ANY nation. Here in the USA, we are committing suicide at about 40% before we get through transition. I suspect that number is underreported because you likely would not know that a suicide is of a transgendered person.
Does anyone think this was inappropriate for the situation? I feel like it was a justified tone and tenor. Please comment.
Kathleen
It has been a wild week. My wife and I have been emotionally distant, but pulled together to complete a big real estate deal. We are both very pleased with ourselves. This house may become my first home living as Kathleen.
The emotional distance with my wife is crushing. I am expected to roll with the punches and be docile and passive while she berates me, humiliates me, and generally disrespects me. She is working through a lot of anger with this information. It has only been 8 weeks tomorrow since I came out to her.
I said something horrible to her last month... around week 4. We were basically in the same spot emotionally where she was angry and I was highly dysphoric, which, to me, really just means that I am depressed and sad. Unwilling to find a spark of life to live.
Anyway, I said, in the heat of the moment, when she brought up her usual argument of "You've known for 47 years that you were this way, and I have only known for …" (insert number from 3 to 30) " … days! Let me catch up to where you are. You have left us all behind!" As I stand there, physically present, but she is right, mentally, I have been shown a door. And, mentally, I have already walked through it. My body is still present and I still talk to our little girls and I am still Dad, but my mind is constantly working out the "what is next?" question. -- But, back to four weeks ago, she asked that question AGAIN... so, knowing that part of this is grief-driven, I asked her the question I wish I could take back, "Well how much time do you need? How much time did it take to get over your father's death?" (My God! It sounds so much worse when I type it out... but it was EXACTLY that BAD. I am a heartless bitch not worthy of this angel I married. I truly wanted to die on the spot. It all would have been over. Carol could tell the girls that Daddy was so mean that he died, and not have to explain my transgendered status to pre-pubescent girls who have zero frame of reference.
It was an awful thing to say and I fully regret it. But I cannot take it back, right?
I can paint a better picture of just how horrible a thing that was to say, my wife had been the one child to live with her parents while her father was dying of cancer. She was there for every stage of it. It affected her in ways I can never fully understand as I have never been that close to a cancer patient. I hope to never be. I am the worst excuse for a human being you could possibly encounter. I can't even point to HRT medications throwing my brain off, because this was before I started taking them, or maybe a day or two into taking them... well before they could impact my brain.
After we succeeded in getting the deal under contract, she looked at me, after a high-five and said, "I don't know how long it will take for me to get over my fathers death." And then she said something else that I don't recall, because the dagger in my heart was squarely placed in the part consumed with my guilt.
I was at a low last night, so I cruised Craigslist for "CD" to try to bring some feeling back. I found a few ads from men looking for CDs. They all sound seedy, and I would never engage in unprotected, fluid-bonding sex with anyone who does not have a recent STD test to show me. But sometimes, I just want to be adored. My sexuality is quite fluid, but I find that guys into tgirls are easier to entice than women into tgirls. Penises are so predictable. :-)
But one ad just rubbed me the wrong way. Here is what it said
27 swm looking for cd or passable trans/ shemale. I want 100% the real deal and I want this to be the greatest night of my life. pics in first email or i won’t reply. Looking for Asap. So be real and no crap this is my fantasy I’m trying to check off my list. I’m available anytime. No pics no reply
I was beside myself. I was angry. I detest when guys just jump straight to the bonus round in the dating game, but this just seemed like an ad looking for a hooker. So I replied....
I am probably almost what you are trying to ask for. But I am older @ 47.
However, your ad really stinks. O-M-G! It is so completely misogynistic! The only girls that will answer that will be ones that need money. And if they do, you better "triple bag" your little man.
If you'd like to chat more about how to approach a …. Let's define some terms, shall we?
Whore: Someone who accepts money in return for sexual favors. (Your ad reads like you are looking for this, and maybe you are) I don't know where to find them outside of Las Vegas
Crossdresser: Anybody who wears clothes from the opposite gender.
Transwoman / transgirl: A biological male whose brain works like a woman's brain or girl's brain. It appears to likely be a biophysical anomalous structure in the brain. (data from post-mortem autopsies of known transwomen)
Transition: The process of a trans person coming to live full time as the opposite gender. Often includes surgery, but does not have to.
GRS: A specific surgery that affirms the mental gender of the individual with the body. Makes the body match the mental gender.
Shemale: slang term, from porn, to describe a transwoman at the end stages of a full transition, always before GRS. Most tgirls find this term offensive.
This is how you fish for a tgirl: treat her like something other than a piece of meat. Maybe treat her like a LADY (not just a woman). Do something, no, do EVERYTHING, classically romantic. There is so much misinformation on the internet and the image keeps getting propagated through porn and, at age of 27, your hormones are in full force, so what the fuck do you care?
But trust me here, boy, do that and you will find the ride of your life sexually. You might have to put a few weeks of effort into it, but considering that most of us have put YEARS of effort into it, you are still playing the classic Entitled Man Role, where you just show up to where the woman has put in all the effort to make this work for you, and you take it for granted that it was just like that. You'll shoot your load and feel... i don't know... now this is the Million Dollar question.... what would you feel after that? Would you wonder if she enjoyed herself too? Or just fall asleep? Or would you become so overwhelmed with guilt and shame at what you had just done, so disgusted with yourself that you beat the living shit out of her?
Sorry to come down on you for your ad. This is much softer than my original response from yesterday that I did not send. I hope that you find what you really want. I also hope you don't prey upon my sisters and take advantage of their desperation for attention. We have the highest suicide rate of ANY subculture on the planet, in ANY nation. Here in the USA, we are committing suicide at about 40% before we get through transition. I suspect that number is underreported because you likely would not know that a suicide is of a transgendered person.
Does anyone think this was inappropriate for the situation? I feel like it was a justified tone and tenor. Please comment.
Kathleen
Comments
Post a Comment