Week 12
So this is a big week for my marriage. A clarification was made Sunday evening that there "is no more relationship" between my wife and I. We are "only together because of finances."
The words, though true, cut me like a knife. She has no love for me, and I question whether if she ever truly did. As long as she had her way, she liked me, but the moment I tried to do my own thing (And for the record, I am not just talking about my transition, but all Vanilla endeavors I ever strayed from Her Plan), there was an argument.
I do pay for the mortgage, the utilities, the bills, 100% yet I am unable to have any space for myself in my own house. At least with the rentals, I get income from the renters in exchange for not being able to use those houses. She would say that I have been able to put my clothes in my closet. Not to split hairs, but she has 60% of "our" closet. So being "allowed" to use my closet for my stuff is not much of a concession. I have to hide my clothes from our girls, which I agree should be the case until I come out to them. I want to come out to them over Summer break.
About the timing. My wife says that the moment I come out to the girls, that she wants me out of the house. She does not want to send the message to them that she is okay with any of this. I find her bigoted attitude disturbing. I want to say that it comes from a place of deep hurt and pain, but I am having difficulty seeing past the hurtful words all along the way. I think she hates Transgender people and perhaps the whole of the LGBTQI spectrum. God help her if one of our girls comes out on the spectrum! :-S I hope that both are well-adjusted throughout this process.
My thoughts always remain on the welfare of the girls. I do not want them growing up in a household that bandies about hatred for any group based on attributes that the group in question has no control over. I cannot help but feel I am a woman. I can't help but be attracted to women and men for different reasons. Love, I feel, is blind & deaf, but it CAN speak and feel. Love knows what is right, and hurting another person is not right. MY Love WILL speak and not turn a blind eye.
I want my girls to be raised with a strong sense of self. I want them to feel their worth. I want them to know that their value is not in their beauty (of which there is plenty), but by the friendships they make and the life that they lead. They have enormous value to the world and no one earthly person is worth giving up taking care of themselves. Of course, both my wife and I will always love our girls and will always ensure that they get all the education, moral guidance, advice, and parenting that they need.
I know I have hurt my wife in this, but I keep turning the other cheek. I hope that she will continue to love me, the REAL Me, but she seems set against allowing herself to feel that love. Which leads me to believe that even though I sought to love someone for their heart and their heart alone, that I was being judged the entire time by my body and outwardly appearance. That makes me feel sick to the core, and I DON'T love that. I want to feel connected on a deep emotional and intellectual level. I don't think I ever had that with my wife. She is a hard worker, empathetic to those whom she chooses to show it. She touts that she is a "Buffet Catholic," but that leaves room for doubt about just exactly WHICH parts of the faith she chooses not to follow. At this point, I am fairly sure that I am going to leave the church. The penalty is Excommunication. Strangely, I feel I have a taste of this already in my own marriage. I'll give them a shot once more, but if there is ONE MORE KID that gets hurt by the church, I'm out. I'm a follower of Jesus' Teachings, NOT of the misguided so-called Church. I know that there is such a thing as a "few bad apples," but the problem seems systemic to me. An organization willing to cover up such atrocities, however long ago that they happened, has a lot to prove to earn back my trust. I'm open to hearing them out, but I'll warn you that it is an uphill battle.
The words, though true, cut me like a knife. She has no love for me, and I question whether if she ever truly did. As long as she had her way, she liked me, but the moment I tried to do my own thing (And for the record, I am not just talking about my transition, but all Vanilla endeavors I ever strayed from Her Plan), there was an argument.
I do pay for the mortgage, the utilities, the bills, 100% yet I am unable to have any space for myself in my own house. At least with the rentals, I get income from the renters in exchange for not being able to use those houses. She would say that I have been able to put my clothes in my closet. Not to split hairs, but she has 60% of "our" closet. So being "allowed" to use my closet for my stuff is not much of a concession. I have to hide my clothes from our girls, which I agree should be the case until I come out to them. I want to come out to them over Summer break.
About the timing. My wife says that the moment I come out to the girls, that she wants me out of the house. She does not want to send the message to them that she is okay with any of this. I find her bigoted attitude disturbing. I want to say that it comes from a place of deep hurt and pain, but I am having difficulty seeing past the hurtful words all along the way. I think she hates Transgender people and perhaps the whole of the LGBTQI spectrum. God help her if one of our girls comes out on the spectrum! :-S I hope that both are well-adjusted throughout this process.
My thoughts always remain on the welfare of the girls. I do not want them growing up in a household that bandies about hatred for any group based on attributes that the group in question has no control over. I cannot help but feel I am a woman. I can't help but be attracted to women and men for different reasons. Love, I feel, is blind & deaf, but it CAN speak and feel. Love knows what is right, and hurting another person is not right. MY Love WILL speak and not turn a blind eye.
I want my girls to be raised with a strong sense of self. I want them to feel their worth. I want them to know that their value is not in their beauty (of which there is plenty), but by the friendships they make and the life that they lead. They have enormous value to the world and no one earthly person is worth giving up taking care of themselves. Of course, both my wife and I will always love our girls and will always ensure that they get all the education, moral guidance, advice, and parenting that they need.
I know I have hurt my wife in this, but I keep turning the other cheek. I hope that she will continue to love me, the REAL Me, but she seems set against allowing herself to feel that love. Which leads me to believe that even though I sought to love someone for their heart and their heart alone, that I was being judged the entire time by my body and outwardly appearance. That makes me feel sick to the core, and I DON'T love that. I want to feel connected on a deep emotional and intellectual level. I don't think I ever had that with my wife. She is a hard worker, empathetic to those whom she chooses to show it. She touts that she is a "Buffet Catholic," but that leaves room for doubt about just exactly WHICH parts of the faith she chooses not to follow. At this point, I am fairly sure that I am going to leave the church. The penalty is Excommunication. Strangely, I feel I have a taste of this already in my own marriage. I'll give them a shot once more, but if there is ONE MORE KID that gets hurt by the church, I'm out. I'm a follower of Jesus' Teachings, NOT of the misguided so-called Church. I know that there is such a thing as a "few bad apples," but the problem seems systemic to me. An organization willing to cover up such atrocities, however long ago that they happened, has a lot to prove to earn back my trust. I'm open to hearing them out, but I'll warn you that it is an uphill battle.
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